A Joke or Two...

[gearhead1951]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in awhile. What happened?

You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that

before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon

ball, but I'm fine now."



"Well, o.k., but what about that hook? What happened

to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got

into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted

with a hook. I'm fine, really."



"What about that eye patch?"



"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.

I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."



"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an

eye just from some bird shit."




Well , It was my first day with my new hook !!

[railroad bob]

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[railroad bob]

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[gearhead1951]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.
Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[hansgoudzwaard]

To my Norwegian relatives and friends.

***
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"

"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.

"Vell “, said Lena, "If it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus.."

***
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."

***

Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?"

"No, I don't," said Ole.

"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.


***

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"

***

Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."

Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No...."

***

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she
would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died."

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died'? Surely; there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're
concerned about, the first five words are free? We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "OK. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"

***

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark
tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole asked excitedly?

"No," replied Lars..

"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

***

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.."

"How come," asked Lars?

"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."

***

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.

While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn't Valter."

***

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Elbow Lake, Minnesota. The policeman, who was good friend of Ole's, said, "Ole...What in the
world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked."

"Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Sven's for his birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls."

"Is that right?", his policeman friend asked.

"Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Sven, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!'

So vee all go into the bedroom....den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' "Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, Everybody go to town!"

"Oh, my!", exclaimed the policeman.

"Yah, Yah. I guess I'm the first one here".

***

To those in North Dakota, Minnesota, and for that matter the rest of the country, including Canada, I must report the sad news that Ole was shot. He was
up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him.

According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you doing?"

Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!"

[hansgoudzwaard]

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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting

to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the h*** is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

[Maxthegardener]

"Why men are not agony aunts"

*****

Dear Neville,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Neville

[gearhead1951]

While creating women,God made a promise to men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

Then He smiled and made the earth round.

[gearhead1951]

Subject: Fwd: One Tough Harley Guy

On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's unclear whether she jumped or was pushed !!

[Maxthegardener]

[railroad bob]

An old cowboy walks into a store and buys 4 packs of condoms.

The clerk asks if he needs a paper bag.

He says, Nah, she aint THAT ugly.

[curt]

dam ill take the bag too

[sleepyonthree]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to discover that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.."
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Illinois School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from Ohio and just graduated from Ohio State University with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

[gearhead1951]

Buell S****er

Got a pocket full of Speeding tickets with the Old Girl over the years...
Guess the Cops think it's fast..

Did get out of one ticket out in Vegas.

Was riding on the I-15 going towards LA
The Buell with the tall gearing I'm running is like a horse...Gets in it's gait.
It has it's sweet spot that is comfortable for cruising...
That is just a little over a Hundred MPH....

Well Sir....I was headed to Goodsprings to the Pioneer Bar to throw back a few...It's about 25 miles from Vegas.. Was in the sweet spot with a smile on my face, third lane over, traffic was light..

Had just maybe another 10 miles to go to make the turn off of the 15...
When I seen Blue lights in my mirrors.

O-Shit....He's after my Ass, I thought.

Well, being so close to my turn-off...Figured I would kick it up to 150 MPH (The Buell runs out of gear at 185) and get far enough ahead of him to make my turn and go hide...

That didn't work out so well...
At a sustained speed of a buck-fifty he was gaining on me.
Got close enough to me that I could see why...
He was driving one of those Mustang's with the Super-Charger.

Ok...Alright....Wasn't about to get away from this guy...
So I pulled over to face the music...

He walked up to me and said..

I'm about at the end of my shift.
If you tell me a story, that I never heard before, why you was speeding,
I'll let you go ..!!!

Well it didn't take me long, at all, to think of something to say....

Told him that my X-wife ran off, about three years ago, with a State Cop...

And I thought YOU was bring her back....

[Maxthegardener]

Cracker..lol