A Joke or Two...

The general bullshit and chatty section where we post general gossip.
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devilman
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SELF INTRODUCTION: Hey, how about. I'm Schulz Francisco Santiago, Chile. I am a mechanic and welder, and while working in the manufacture of live traps for almost all animals my true passion are the vehicles, automobiles and motorcycles, restoration of some and making other. I congratulate you sign up for this well of knowledge, im participate in other free information community, chatarrero rat rodders Argentina, where we arrived at interesting things about how and why. Personally I have a collection of more less interesting automobiles and motorcycles, a Mercedes Benz 250 1972 automatic in restoration , a 1967 Chevy II soon to be revived as scrap pick up, and clearly my motorcycles, a Honda CB 450 Nighthawk modified as between wars bike is my current project Is a beautifull engine. I'm making the girder fork at this time, a bobber carried Motorrad, my vehicle abitual a Maico MD 250 awaiting restoration parts for, a Yamaha Enticer waiting for a change of 350 cc engine, a BMW R-67, 1954 waiting also a part of the starting lever. Also chassis, engines, tires, and parts to make what I can think of.

I think i can help and contribute in this community.

A hug for a distance.
Location: Santiasko de Chile
Contact:

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by devilman » Sun Jan 06, 2013 2:50 pm

My uncle Peter said: The womans are worse than thieves ... the thief gives you a choice between money or your life, women demand the two ...
Last edited by devilman on Thu Jan 24, 2013 9:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
Image

Never argue with an idiot, low to his level and beat you by experience.

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railroad bob
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Posts: 801
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:07 pm
SELF INTRODUCTION: Hi Dan, thanks for your time and energy spent on this new board. I hope you will give me a waiver on the email account, I have used gmail so long I don't have a clue what my service provider account is.
I just returned home from a 2 week trip in New Mexico, have a few good pix, can't wait to share my off-highway traveling. Got to put 1400 miles on the scoot.

Best, Bob Davidson
Location: Alaska

Jews sank the Titanic

Post by railroad bob » Mon Jan 07, 2013 5:23 am

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.. .'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....Doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence...

'I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah...all flucking same!!'

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:
Alaska - Land of the Individual and Other Endangered Species
An Armed Society is a Polite Society,...
Politicians Prefer Unarmed Peasants
Principle of 7 P's: Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance

gearhead1951
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Posts: 357
Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2011 4:49 am
SELF INTRODUCTION: I am an expat tennessee hillbilly and retired us navy engineer livin' in Scotland and I have a love of old cars , trucks, motorcycles and most any other machinery !

I dont know if I can think of enough to say to reach the two hundred charactor minimun set by the mods , but I will persevere
Location: Greenock Scotland

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by gearhead1951 » Thu Jan 10, 2013 5:48 am

The Ex-wife

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon,
he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think


it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns, boat & airplane."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't. “

gearhead1951
Builder
Posts: 357
Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2011 4:49 am
SELF INTRODUCTION: I am an expat tennessee hillbilly and retired us navy engineer livin' in Scotland and I have a love of old cars , trucks, motorcycles and most any other machinery !

I dont know if I can think of enough to say to reach the two hundred charactor minimun set by the mods , but I will persevere
Location: Greenock Scotland

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by gearhead1951 » Sun Jan 27, 2013 2:41 pm

Tae A Fart ...

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,
Lurks in yer bellie efter a feastie,
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Start working like a gentle breeze
But soon the pudding wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a'body's gonnae hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
it's like a bullet oot a rifle

Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try tae stop the leakin' air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae god it disnae reek

But a' the efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets arrond the room
Michty me! a sonic boom

God almighty it fairly reeks
A' hope a' huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog a' better scurry
Whit the hell, it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me choakin'
One or two are nearly boakin'
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile

It wis him! I shout and glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger! They shout and stare
I'm no that welcome any mair

Where e're ye go let yer wind gang free
That sounds jist the joab fir me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' one wee fart

If I already posted this it still deserves a repeat !!

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Maxthegardener
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Posts: 384
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SELF INTRODUCTION: Name is Max living in scotland ,and building my first bike, Which is derived from a buellM2 Cyclone..Started with an engine and a Drop seat frame wich was made to my spec by a more experienced builder. would like to learn more about the skills and techniques required to build a frame so I value being a member here...Cheers Max
Location: Angus, Scotland

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by Maxthegardener » Sun Jan 27, 2013 11:41 pm

:lol:

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railroad bob
Contributor
Posts: 801
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:07 pm
SELF INTRODUCTION: Hi Dan, thanks for your time and energy spent on this new board. I hope you will give me a waiver on the email account, I have used gmail so long I don't have a clue what my service provider account is.
I just returned home from a 2 week trip in New Mexico, have a few good pix, can't wait to share my off-highway traveling. Got to put 1400 miles on the scoot.

Best, Bob Davidson
Location: Alaska

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by railroad bob » Wed Jan 30, 2013 12:10 am

Subject: Surgeons


> >After a major Microsurgery Congress, an American surgeon, a German
> surgeon and a British surgeon meet in the pub for a drink.
> Inevitably, they start to talk shop and boast about their
> achievements.
> >>
> >>"A worker in an automobile factory got caught up in a press for
> sheet metal," says the American surgeon. "All that was left of him
> was a thumb, so we took it, constructed a new hand, a new arm, a
> torso, head, legs and so on. The resulting worker was so capable that
> he put 50 other guys out of a job. Because of how he started we
> called him Tom Thumb."
> >>
> >>"That's nothing," says the German surgeon. "Last month a young man
> had an accident in one of our nuclear power stations. All we could
> find was a single hair, so I took the hair and constructed a new
> head, a new brain and a complete body. The young man is now so
> efficient that he has put 200 other men out of a job. Because of how
> he started we called him Herr Man"
> >>
> >>"You think those are achievements?" says the British surgeon. "I
> was on the street a few years ago when I smelled a fart. Quick as a
> flash, I pulled out a plastic bag and caught it, then took it to my
> clinic. I used the matter to create a new anus, then I used my
> patented techniques to flesh it out until I was able to build a
> completely new body - with a head and a brain. This bloke is so
> amazingly efficient that he's put hundreds of thousands out of a job."
> >>
> >>"So what did you call him?" says the American.
> >>
> >>" President OBAMA
Alaska - Land of the Individual and Other Endangered Species
An Armed Society is a Polite Society,...
Politicians Prefer Unarmed Peasants
Principle of 7 P's: Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance

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Maxthegardener
Builder
Posts: 384
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:28 am
SELF INTRODUCTION: Name is Max living in scotland ,and building my first bike, Which is derived from a buellM2 Cyclone..Started with an engine and a Drop seat frame wich was made to my spec by a more experienced builder. would like to learn more about the skills and techniques required to build a frame so I value being a member here...Cheers Max
Location: Angus, Scotland

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by Maxthegardener » Wed Jan 30, 2013 7:00 am

you mean David fxxkin cameron lol

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railroad bob
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Posts: 801
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:07 pm
SELF INTRODUCTION: Hi Dan, thanks for your time and energy spent on this new board. I hope you will give me a waiver on the email account, I have used gmail so long I don't have a clue what my service provider account is.
I just returned home from a 2 week trip in New Mexico, have a few good pix, can't wait to share my off-highway traveling. Got to put 1400 miles on the scoot.

Best, Bob Davidson
Location: Alaska

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by railroad bob » Wed Jan 30, 2013 10:43 am

The list is endless...
Alaska - Land of the Individual and Other Endangered Species
An Armed Society is a Polite Society,...
Politicians Prefer Unarmed Peasants
Principle of 7 P's: Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance

rakeNtrail
Lurker
Posts: 50
Joined: Sat Oct 29, 2011 11:28 am
SELF INTRODUCTION: Just a grumpy old welder/chopperhedd Spent far too much time burning wire for a living but hey, one does have to pay the bills ya know! Worked shipyards and fab shops welding about everything stick, mig, tig and sub-arc. Both hand held and automated. Worked weekends in a Honda shop in the late 70's and in an all bike shop in the late 80's thru early 90's. Likes? Choppers, rock-N-roll, NRA and boobies! Dislikes? PC, VD, AARP & NAACP I'm pro business and totally against big government interfering in our daily lives. Live free or die baby and you'll have to pry it from my cold dead hands. Do love little children and puppies though. Both of them can turn me into a 300lb. old softie!
Location: North By God Carolina

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by rakeNtrail » Wed Jan 30, 2013 2:33 pm

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the Carnival last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

gearhead1951
Builder
Posts: 357
Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2011 4:49 am
SELF INTRODUCTION: I am an expat tennessee hillbilly and retired us navy engineer livin' in Scotland and I have a love of old cars , trucks, motorcycles and most any other machinery !

I dont know if I can think of enough to say to reach the two hundred charactor minimun set by the mods , but I will persevere
Location: Greenock Scotland

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by gearhead1951 » Tue Feb 05, 2013 5:52 am

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.



When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"



The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C….as a Congressman...

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railroad bob
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Posts: 801
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:07 pm
SELF INTRODUCTION: Hi Dan, thanks for your time and energy spent on this new board. I hope you will give me a waiver on the email account, I have used gmail so long I don't have a clue what my service provider account is.
I just returned home from a 2 week trip in New Mexico, have a few good pix, can't wait to share my off-highway traveling. Got to put 1400 miles on the scoot.

Best, Bob Davidson
Location: Alaska

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by railroad bob » Wed Feb 06, 2013 9:01 pm

Two blind pilots, both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane came aboard the plane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
Alaska - Land of the Individual and Other Endangered Species
An Armed Society is a Polite Society,...
Politicians Prefer Unarmed Peasants
Principle of 7 P's: Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance

User avatar
Maxthegardener
Builder
Posts: 384
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:28 am
SELF INTRODUCTION: Name is Max living in scotland ,and building my first bike, Which is derived from a buellM2 Cyclone..Started with an engine and a Drop seat frame wich was made to my spec by a more experienced builder. would like to learn more about the skills and techniques required to build a frame so I value being a member here...Cheers Max
Location: Angus, Scotland

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by Maxthegardener » Fri Mar 01, 2013 9:41 pm

:lol:

User avatar
Maxthegardener
Builder
Posts: 384
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:28 am
SELF INTRODUCTION: Name is Max living in scotland ,and building my first bike, Which is derived from a buellM2 Cyclone..Started with an engine and a Drop seat frame wich was made to my spec by a more experienced builder. would like to learn more about the skills and techniques required to build a frame so I value being a member here...Cheers Max
Location: Angus, Scotland

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by Maxthegardener » Fri Mar 01, 2013 9:46 pm

Posted as 'What went Wrong' :lol: the good ol days
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railroad bob
Contributor
Posts: 801
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:07 pm
SELF INTRODUCTION: Hi Dan, thanks for your time and energy spent on this new board. I hope you will give me a waiver on the email account, I have used gmail so long I don't have a clue what my service provider account is.
I just returned home from a 2 week trip in New Mexico, have a few good pix, can't wait to share my off-highway traveling. Got to put 1400 miles on the scoot.

Best, Bob Davidson
Location: Alaska

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by railroad bob » Sun Mar 03, 2013 7:06 pm

I don't think Maz ever read that book! :lol:

Good thing too! :laughing-rolling:
Alaska - Land of the Individual and Other Endangered Species
An Armed Society is a Polite Society,...
Politicians Prefer Unarmed Peasants
Principle of 7 P's: Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance

User avatar
rudog
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Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 2:03 pm
SELF INTRODUCTION: Jack of all. Master of none. Worked in a machine shop since I was 8. Desgined embedded computers for a few years. Done lots in between. If there's anything I've learned with certainty, "Anyone who looks like they know what they're doing is putting on an act."
Location: Texoma

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by rudog » Mon Mar 04, 2013 9:34 am

:popcorn:
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