A Joke or Two...

The general bullshit and chatty section where we post general gossip.
hansgoudzwaard
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SELF INTRODUCTION: I was on the last board as bonustoolkit. I have changed that to my given name.
I started a project build there " File and Fit." I paln to continue that when I go back home in Dec. 2011. I first joined the board when Gary W had it in the year 2005. That was the time I really gained an interest in building chops. I have a long way to go, compared to some here.

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by hansgoudzwaard »

Grrr!.JPG
Grrr!.JPG (50.43 KiB) Viewed 5210 times
Grrr2.JPG
Grrr2.JPG (47.59 KiB) Viewed 5210 times
rek
NewB
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2011 4:20 pm
SELF INTRODUCTION: I'm in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia, and ride a modern Excelsior Henderson which I bought in the crate at the dealer's, after EH went out of business. My friends at www.superxparts.com do all the work on it for me.
Way back a couple of X'ers and I went to the horse magazine's smoke-out, and that's when I realized that anyone can build a motorcycle if they really want to! Then it got huge and we stopped going, heh.

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by rek »

Ok- that's funny!
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Maxthegardener
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Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:28 am
SELF INTRODUCTION: Name is Max living in scotland ,and building my first bike, Which is derived from a buellM2 Cyclone..Started with an engine and a Drop seat frame wich was made to my spec by a more experienced builder. would like to learn more about the skills and techniques required to build a frame so I value being a member here...Cheers Max
Location: Angus, Scotland

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by Maxthegardener »

had to look a few times before I got that one Hans :D
gearhead1951
Builder
Posts: 367
Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2011 4:49 am
SELF INTRODUCTION: I am an expat tennessee hillbilly and retired us navy engineer livin' in Scotland and I have a love of old cars , trucks, motorcycles and most any other machinery !

I dont know if I can think of enough to say to reach the two hundred charactor minimun set by the mods , but I will persevere
Location: Greenock Scotland

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by gearhead1951 »

Understanding Engineers One:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you, anyway."

Understanding Engineers Two.

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers Three.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
> The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
> The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
> He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
> The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
> The group fell silent for a moment.
> The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
> The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
> The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
>
> Understanding Engineers Four.
>
> What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
> Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
>
> Understanding Engineers Five.
>
> The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
> The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
> The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
> The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
>
> Understanding Engineers Six.
>
> Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
> One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
> Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
>
Understanding Engineers Seven.

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

> Understanding Engineers Eight.
>
> An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
> The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
> Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
> Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
> The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

StuartSite Admin Posts: 1584Joined: Fri Dec 01, 2006 10:08 pmLocation: Horsham West Sussex, England



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Re: Engineering Jokes

by Stuart » Thu Sep 20, 2012 12:04 am

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I Wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy. God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Stuart. Smart Turbo Diesel Tiger, Ruggerfield 850cc Diesel, Ducati 749S, Peugeot 106 Diesel. Championing Better Balanced Bikes..

StuartSite Admin Posts: 1584Joined: Fri Dec 01, 2006 10:08 pmLocation: Horsham West Sussex, England



Laws of nature

Forget Newton and Galileo. Here are the real laws of nature:

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Supermarket Law- As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters- The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theatre & Sports Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the paediatrician.

Stuart. Smart Turbo Diesel Tiger, Ruggerfield 850cc Diesel, Ducati 749S, Peugeot 106 Diesel. Championing Better Balanced Bikes..

StuartSite Admin Posts: 1584Joined: Fri Dec 01, 2006 10:08 pmLocation: Horsham West Sussex, England
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Maxthegardener
Builder
Posts: 384
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:28 am
SELF INTRODUCTION: Name is Max living in scotland ,and building my first bike, Which is derived from a buellM2 Cyclone..Started with an engine and a Drop seat frame wich was made to my spec by a more experienced builder. would like to learn more about the skills and techniques required to build a frame so I value being a member here...Cheers Max
Location: Angus, Scotland

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by Maxthegardener »

:clap: :lol:
gearhead1951
Builder
Posts: 367
Joined: Wed Oct 26, 2011 4:49 am
SELF INTRODUCTION: I am an expat tennessee hillbilly and retired us navy engineer livin' in Scotland and I have a love of old cars , trucks, motorcycles and most any other machinery !

I dont know if I can think of enough to say to reach the two hundred charactor minimun set by the mods , but I will persevere
Location: Greenock Scotland

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by gearhead1951 »

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.

A huge heart...covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. All the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. With all eyes staring at him, he said,'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

Then the proctologist fainted
:auto-dirtbike: :obscene-drinkingcheers:
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railroad bob
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Posts: 939
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:07 pm
SELF INTRODUCTION: Hi Dan, thanks for your time and energy spent on this new board. I hope you will give me a waiver on the email account, I have used gmail so long I don't have a clue what my service provider account is.
I just returned home from a 2 week trip in New Mexico, have a few good pix, can't wait to share my off-highway traveling. Got to put 1400 miles on the scoot.

Best, Bob Davidson
Location: Alaska

Vincent Poem

Post by railroad bob »

Found this on the motorcycle forum on Craigslist.

Said Red Molly to James that's a fine motorbike
A girl could feel special on any such like
Said James to Red Molly, my hat's off to you
It's a Vincent Black Lightning, 1952
And I've seen you at the corners and cafes it seems
Red hair and black leather, my favourite colour scheme
And he pulled her on behind
And down to Boxhill they did ride

Said James to Red Molly, here's a ring for your right hand
But I'll tell you in earnest I'm a dangerous man
I've fought with the law since I was seventeen
I robbed many a man to get my Vincent machine
Now I'm 21 years, I might make 22
And I don't mind dying, but for the love of you
And if fate should break my stride
Then I'll give you my Vincent to ride

Come down, come down, Red Molly, called Sergeant McRae
For they've taken young James Adie for armed robbery
Shotgun blast hit his chest, left nothing inside
Oh, come down, Red Molly to his dying bedside
When she came to the hospital, there wasn't much left
He was running out of road, he was running out of breath
But he smiled to see her cry
And said I'll give you my Vincent to ride

Says James, in my opinion, there's nothing in this world
Beats a 52 Vincent and a red headed girl
Now Nortons and Indians and Greeveses won't do
They don't have a soul like a Vincent 52
He reached for her hand and he slipped her the keys
He said I've got no further use for these
I see angels on Ariels in leather and chrome
Swooping down from heaven to carry me home
And he gave her one last kiss and died
And he gave her his Vincent to ride
Alaska - Land of the Individual and Other Endangered Species
An Armed Society is a Polite Society,...
Politicians Prefer Unarmed Peasants
TANSTAAFL
User avatar
Maxthegardener
Builder
Posts: 384
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:28 am
SELF INTRODUCTION: Name is Max living in scotland ,and building my first bike, Which is derived from a buellM2 Cyclone..Started with an engine and a Drop seat frame wich was made to my spec by a more experienced builder. would like to learn more about the skills and techniques required to build a frame so I value being a member here...Cheers Max
Location: Angus, Scotland

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by Maxthegardener »

better have the tune Bob... :D

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railroad bob
Contributor
Posts: 939
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:07 pm
SELF INTRODUCTION: Hi Dan, thanks for your time and energy spent on this new board. I hope you will give me a waiver on the email account, I have used gmail so long I don't have a clue what my service provider account is.
I just returned home from a 2 week trip in New Mexico, have a few good pix, can't wait to share my off-highway traveling. Got to put 1400 miles on the scoot.

Best, Bob Davidson
Location: Alaska

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by railroad bob »

Didn't see the video until after I posted the poem (song).
I put a different vid in another thread.

Good sing tho, and great guitar. I'll listen to this one tomorrow.
Alaska - Land of the Individual and Other Endangered Species
An Armed Society is a Polite Society,...
Politicians Prefer Unarmed Peasants
TANSTAAFL
User avatar
sleepyonthree
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Posts: 140
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:10 am
SELF INTRODUCTION: All around tinkerer. Hotrods, cycles, trikes, gardening, cooking, women. Originally joined CBH Jan 29, 2006. Way to many projects, but, thats the fun. Live out in the boonies, less complaints from conformist neighbors.
Location: G,ville Florida

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by sleepyonthree »

Ever wonder why Sharks Circle?

Mystery solved . . .
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a
sunken ship.
"Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam
to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins
showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing."
And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first?

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you first scare
the shit out of them ."
nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool
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sleepyonthree
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Posts: 140
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:10 am
SELF INTRODUCTION: All around tinkerer. Hotrods, cycles, trikes, gardening, cooking, women. Originally joined CBH Jan 29, 2006. Way to many projects, but, thats the fun. Live out in the boonies, less complaints from conformist neighbors.
Location: G,ville Florida

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by sleepyonthree »

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.
Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
"God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.
And just like that, her ears fell off!
nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool
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railroad bob
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Posts: 939
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:07 pm
SELF INTRODUCTION: Hi Dan, thanks for your time and energy spent on this new board. I hope you will give me a waiver on the email account, I have used gmail so long I don't have a clue what my service provider account is.
I just returned home from a 2 week trip in New Mexico, have a few good pix, can't wait to share my off-highway traveling. Got to put 1400 miles on the scoot.

Best, Bob Davidson
Location: Alaska

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by railroad bob »

Reminds me of a Tshirt I saw at a music store in Tucson.
Had Monica's face on the front, with a white stain on her lips.


Down below were two words...


NOT Milk
Alaska - Land of the Individual and Other Endangered Species
An Armed Society is a Polite Society,...
Politicians Prefer Unarmed Peasants
TANSTAAFL
User avatar
railroad bob
Contributor
Posts: 939
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:07 pm
SELF INTRODUCTION: Hi Dan, thanks for your time and energy spent on this new board. I hope you will give me a waiver on the email account, I have used gmail so long I don't have a clue what my service provider account is.
I just returned home from a 2 week trip in New Mexico, have a few good pix, can't wait to share my off-highway traveling. Got to put 1400 miles on the scoot.

Best, Bob Davidson
Location: Alaska

When Obama Met the Queen

Post by railroad bob »

When Barack Obama met with Queen Elizabeth II, the Queen of England , he asked her…
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered…"That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question.
"Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one."
He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Frustrated, Biden went to work out in the congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.
Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question."

"Shoot Joe."

“Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!"
Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Paul Ryan!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,
"No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!" ...

AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE
Alaska - Land of the Individual and Other Endangered Species
An Armed Society is a Polite Society,...
Politicians Prefer Unarmed Peasants
TANSTAAFL
User avatar
railroad bob
Contributor
Posts: 939
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:07 pm
SELF INTRODUCTION: Hi Dan, thanks for your time and energy spent on this new board. I hope you will give me a waiver on the email account, I have used gmail so long I don't have a clue what my service provider account is.
I just returned home from a 2 week trip in New Mexico, have a few good pix, can't wait to share my off-highway traveling. Got to put 1400 miles on the scoot.

Best, Bob Davidson
Location: Alaska

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by railroad bob »

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Alaska - Land of the Individual and Other Endangered Species
An Armed Society is a Polite Society,...
Politicians Prefer Unarmed Peasants
TANSTAAFL
User avatar
curt
Long in the Tooth
Posts: 1068
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:36 am
SELF INTRODUCTION: hi everyone its me from the old bord hopeing to see everyone come here and all the newcomers . lets make this as good as the old one or even better . lookin foreward to seeing everyones projects continue and ill be continueing mine too
Location: utica new york

Re: A Joke or Two...

Post by curt »

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"
ever notice when you hit somethin or someone with a hammer you feel instantly better
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