A Joke or Two...

[railroad bob]

For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers - An award should go to the West Jet gate attendant in Kelown , British Columbia , for being smart and funny,
while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded flight was canceled after West Jet's 767s had been withdrawn from service.
A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have your attention please, " she began
- her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F...You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said (I love this bit): "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

[railroad bob]

I think this must be the same in English OR French. Maybe?

coc-suc aire.jpg (61.27 KiB) Viewed 2132 times

[railroad bob]

The Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.
> Upon arriving, the Nurse says
>
> "Congratulations,
> Your wife has had quint's,
>
>
> 5 big baby boys."
> The Redneck says,
> "I'm not surprised,
> I have a penis on me like a chimney."
> The nurse replies,
> "You might want to consider getting it cleaned,
> The babies are all black.

[railroad bob]

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind
the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot
in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had
exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she
reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

[railroad bob]

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in
heat, agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the
neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she
could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off
to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed
downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable
to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to
what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who
answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the
vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down
alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of
the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be
able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

[railroad bob]

Joke of the Year

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said.........


"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[gearhead1951]

BEAR REMOVER


A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab the bear



by the testicles and drag him into the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'

[railroad bob]

This takes quite awhile to load, but it is a very realistic motorcycle riding vid set in post-apocalyptic urban desolation.

Link only..

http://vimeo.com/38591304

[hansgoudzwaard]

I enjoyed that. Thanks.

[gearhead1951]

Love The Irish


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'


Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'


Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!
From one unstable person to another...

[Maxthegardener]

[Maxthegardener]

[Maxthegardener]

Subtitles availible

[railroad bob]

The AMA Medical Journal gives credit to Islam for the invention of the condom,
using the lower intestine of a goat, sometime in the early 1200's.


The article credits students at Texas A&M for improving the product in 1873
by removing the intestine before use.

[gearhead1951]

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when
> there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a
> tremendous
> bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
> rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the
> pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.