The Chopper Compendium

A woman from a small southern town goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The newspaper editor informs her the fee for the obituary is a dollar per word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, just let it read, 'Billy Bob died.'"

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am but there's a seven-word minimum on all obituaries."

A little flustered, she thinks things over and replies, "In that case, let it read: 'Billy Bob died - red truck for sale.'"

After having a disagreement, an old married couple drove down a country lane for several minutes without saying a word to each other. Both believed they were right, and neither wanted to give in.

They approached a pasture with a pack of mules.

"Relatives of yours?" the husband asked, gesturing at the group of animals.

"Yep," the wife replied. "In-Laws."

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Call (555) 555-5555 and ask for Daisy.

More than 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

"The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish, full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk "I'll never forget the first day our Parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Quasimodo, also known as the bell ringer at Notre Dame, the famous cathedral in France.
You might have even seen him in the movie, with his prominent hunchback.

After many years, Quasimodo decided he would retire. After putting a sign at the cathedral steps,
"Bell Ringer Wanted", the next day there were three applicants for the job.

Quasimodo led them up to the top of the bell tower, to let each one demonstrate how well they could do the job.

The first man walked over to the rope hanging from the bell clapper and gave a big tug.

Nothing, the bell barely moved.

Quasimodo snickered and said he obviously couldn't do the job, he might as well leave.
OK #2, give it a try.

#2 went over and gave a huge jerk on the rope, barely a quiver.
OK @2, you can leave.

OK #3, show me what you can do if you still want the job. The third guy wanted the job really bad, so he went running to the rope,
leaped for it, and he missed the rope and hit the bell with his face. A loud peal rang out over the city.

By now Quasimodo could barely contain himself, and said that was a really hard way to do the job, did he want to try it again?

The guy wanted the job really badly, so he ran and leaped for the rope again.

He missed the rope, and he missed the bell, and fell through a window in the bell tower.
Quasimodo ran to the window and looked down at the crowd gathering around the man's lifeless body.
A policeman saw the crowd and elbowed his way in, finding the body on the street.

Looking around, he sees Quasimodo looking down from the window high above.
He shouts up to him, "Do you know this man?"

Quasimodo leans out, cups his hands around his mouth, and shouts back down...

"I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell>"

I'm L'nMAO. These are all good, Bob, but I sure like the one abt. the lumberyard.

The bike was dirty, and I was in need of a quick shower, so I rode the motorcycle thru the automatic carwash naked. Note to self-DO NOT SELECT HOT WAX NEXT TIME !!!

Two old WW2 vets were sitting on a bench at the courthouse and watched as a few pretty girls walked by , as the ladies went on by one old man turned to his friend and said "George , Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our coffee to keep us from thinkin' about wimmin ?! "

George said " Yeah , I think it was saltpeter ! " Bill said , " Well I think it's starting to work ! "

On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat---she's cool kawse I got 'ER tied unner the shade tree." The policeman says, "No! You don't understand--your dog needs to be bred. "No way, " the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'er beef jerky this mornin'." Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!" The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog!" -

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say "Your Honor, I'm guilty but..... There were extenuating circumstances." The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story. "Your Honour, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off! Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise grip alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back." Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire," found me... standing on my tip-toes, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did, but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store. Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?" And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between clamps...." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.

About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.

He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being
Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting
in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

Scot: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus .
But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!

must introduce you to the 'Beef Seeds'

she sure got a purty mouth...

Pretty damned good Max...

Max, you rock dude...

Thanks for the intro to a band I never heard of. Loving it.