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Re: A Joke or Two...

Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 2:50 pm
by devilman
My uncle Peter said: The womans are worse than thieves ... the thief gives you a choice between money or your life, women demand the two ...

Jews sank the Titanic

Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 5:23 am
by railroad bob
The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.. .'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....Doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence...

'I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah...all flucking same!!'

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:

Re: A Joke or Two...

Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 5:48 am
by gearhead1951
The Ex-wife

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon,
he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think


it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns, boat & airplane."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't. “

Re: A Joke or Two...

Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2013 2:41 pm
by gearhead1951
Tae A Fart ...

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,
Lurks in yer bellie efter a feastie,
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Start working like a gentle breeze
But soon the pudding wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a'body's gonnae hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
it's like a bullet oot a rifle

Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try tae stop the leakin' air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae god it disnae reek

But a' the efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets arrond the room
Michty me! a sonic boom

God almighty it fairly reeks
A' hope a' huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog a' better scurry
Whit the hell, it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me choakin'
One or two are nearly boakin'
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile

It wis him! I shout and glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger! They shout and stare
I'm no that welcome any mair

Where e're ye go let yer wind gang free
That sounds jist the joab fir me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' one wee fart

If I already posted this it still deserves a repeat !!

Re: A Joke or Two...

Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2013 11:41 pm
by Maxthegardener
:lol:

Re: A Joke or Two...

Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2013 12:10 am
by railroad bob
Subject: Surgeons


> >After a major Microsurgery Congress, an American surgeon, a German
> surgeon and a British surgeon meet in the pub for a drink.
> Inevitably, they start to talk shop and boast about their
> achievements.
> >>
> >>"A worker in an automobile factory got caught up in a press for
> sheet metal," says the American surgeon. "All that was left of him
> was a thumb, so we took it, constructed a new hand, a new arm, a
> torso, head, legs and so on. The resulting worker was so capable that
> he put 50 other guys out of a job. Because of how he started we
> called him Tom Thumb."
> >>
> >>"That's nothing," says the German surgeon. "Last month a young man
> had an accident in one of our nuclear power stations. All we could
> find was a single hair, so I took the hair and constructed a new
> head, a new brain and a complete body. The young man is now so
> efficient that he has put 200 other men out of a job. Because of how
> he started we called him Herr Man"
> >>
> >>"You think those are achievements?" says the British surgeon. "I
> was on the street a few years ago when I smelled a fart. Quick as a
> flash, I pulled out a plastic bag and caught it, then took it to my
> clinic. I used the matter to create a new anus, then I used my
> patented techniques to flesh it out until I was able to build a
> completely new body - with a head and a brain. This bloke is so
> amazingly efficient that he's put hundreds of thousands out of a job."
> >>
> >>"So what did you call him?" says the American.
> >>
> >>" President OBAMA

Re: A Joke or Two...

Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2013 7:00 am
by Maxthegardener
you mean David fxxkin cameron lol

Re: A Joke or Two...

Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2013 10:43 am
by railroad bob
The list is endless...

Re: A Joke or Two...

Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2013 2:33 pm
by rakeNtrail
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the Carnival last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Re: A Joke or Two...

Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 5:52 am
by gearhead1951
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.



When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"



The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C….as a Congressman...

Re: A Joke or Two...

Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2013 9:01 pm
by railroad bob
Two blind pilots, both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane came aboard the plane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

Re: A Joke or Two...

Posted: Fri Mar 01, 2013 9:41 pm
by Maxthegardener
:lol:

Re: A Joke or Two...

Posted: Fri Mar 01, 2013 9:46 pm
by Maxthegardener
Posted as 'What went Wrong' :lol: the good ol days

Re: A Joke or Two...

Posted: Sun Mar 03, 2013 7:06 pm
by railroad bob
I don't think Maz ever read that book! :lol:

Good thing too! :laughing-rolling:

Re: A Joke or Two...

Posted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 9:34 am
by rudog
:popcorn: